I’m going to try something a bit different here on my blog, and participate in the Daily Prompts activity by the Daily Post. This is just my first time, so I may hate it and never do it again – or it might be cool (for me, I’m not counting on you) and I will continue with it at some level.
The reason I am doing this is because I find myself sometimes paralysed by my thoughts and feelings, and could basically use a safe(ish) outlet for them. They need to go somewhere, right? And I am running out of storage space inside my head…and energy to process things that are already half-baked. So let’s just get them out of the oven once and for all and turn on the self-cleaning button. Because I have no idea how to clean out an oven manually…do you? I also have ZERO tolerance for bull**** and see it everyday, everywhere, all the time. Some of it, I understand, is a necessary evil or lesser evil (if you will) and that I actually can not only tolerate but sometimes engage in, myself…harmless, right? But then there is another type of bull**** that is chronic and consistent and even calculated, to the point where it is not just a betrayal to the person subjected to it but an even GREATER betrayal to the one dishing it out.
Because you are tarnishing your character. Your picking what you know is the wrong answer on the multiple choice question, with your eyes, ears, words and your actions.
The word is Complicated, and everything is really, so I’m going to link it to my own word – Fake.
I am not sure what you are, but it feels fake right now. And I am just going along with it. When I first laid eyes on you, my friend, I saw a cold stare in your eyes, and every mean bone in your body. But unlike most, I defy my first impressions and always try to dig deeper. So I did. A bit deeper.
Did we become friends? Not really.
Did we connect on any particular subject or issue? No.
Because, I said I only dug a BIT deeper. But I am still disappointed.
We shared a LOT of laughs and smiles and even helped each other out here and there.
So I succeeded, yet again, in defying my first impression. I often do…until I ultimately fall flat on my face.
My expectations of you were not great – hence the part about how deep I dug into you – but I expected respect. If not for me and our acquaintanceship, for yourself and your face. The face you showed to me from Day Two. The day AFTER I got my first impression of you.
Always warm (sometimes just in response to me).
Even kind to my daughter (which I will always appreciate).
But when it came down to the grind. When I needed understanding and compassion, outside of the niceties that we shared and our public displays of affection (the platonic kind). You froze.
And left an icy patch on my heart. Not because we were great friends. But because you chose to disrespect the years of effort we put into our acquaintanceship, when all it would have taken was the time to drink a coffee. And show me a bit of compassion when all I have been is nice. And I continue to be nice. But it hurts a bit.
Because you supposed to be a human being, after all.